You know you're in the Mother-Hood when...

You Know You're in the MotherHood When...

You've sniffed a spot on your shirt and been able to determine the origin of said spot with CSI efficiency.

You let someone see you basically naked because he said he was an anesthesiologist.

It's a good day if you actually had time to shower, without interruptions or an audience of any kind.

Your meal plan has consisted of eating whatever mac and cheese is left in the pot after you've served it to the kids.

A drawing of you with a head the size of a watermelon is the prettiest picture you've ever seen.

Everyone but you being asleep counts as "alone time."

You feel a sense of accomplishment if you read an entire article in People magazine in one sitting.

You can name 3 out of 5 Backyardigans - you know you can.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Expressing myself - or trying to anyway

Express; adj. without unnecessary stops

There are unlimited ways to speed up life's little mundane tasks. You can pay your bills online, you can renew your car registration online, 24 grocery stores with self check out lines, ATMs, drive through (almost) every kind of food there is and most people have a phone that doubles as their computer, GPS and address book.

What I find irritating and therefore blog-worthy, are those individuals who appear to want to utilize these convenient short cuts, but have no business attempting to do so, as they have no "express" etiquette. Go with me on this...

Let's start somewhere simple. The drive thru (I hate that spelling error, but you KNOW that's how they are referred to) at the bank.
Personally, I only use the bank drive thru when I have to cash or deposit a check. I either fill out the slip before I go, or I pull off to the side or get in a line with a few cars already in line so I have time to fill the slip out before it's actually my turn. On those rare occasions that I am ready prior to pulling into the bank, I inevitably get in line behind someone who is already at the "tube" but apparently, they missed the memo about being prepared. They don't have a slip, they didn't sign the slip, they didn't send a photo id with the check, they want to know about mortgage rates, they have five different transactions to make, and they are sending them all separately. Oh, and they pulled up too far away from the "tube" so they have their door cracked open and they have to hang out the open door to reach the "tube." Seriously? There are bored tellers inside begging these high maintenance customers to come inside, plus, there's a good chance you'll score some weak coffee or at least a dum dum sucker.
Anyone else catch the irony in that?

Don't even think about the people in line for the ATM next to you that are digging in their stuff for their card, trying to figure out what they want to do... hmmm.... withdraw money maybe? Really? You didn't have a plan for how much or out of what Swiss or Cayman Island account you wanted to withdraw from? Just hit the quick $20 button and call it a day. Thank you. Drive through.

One of my new favorite petri dishes of dysfunction is the self check out at the grocery store. For those of us grabbing a few items we need for dinner or a quick birthday card and a coke for the ride home, these lines are a God send. If you've never dared to venture to this new land of "express" check out, let me be your virtual guide. There are usually 2-3 checkouts per side, with an grocery store employee manning a lookout like post in the middle of these check outs. It is supposed to be understood that you wait in ONE line, each person in the front of the line going to the next available register. So if you are one of those people who walks past those of us in line to an open register, you are NOT following unwritten grocery store law.
Here are a few ways to know you should not be in this line:
You have multiple produce items, you have a coupon for every item in your cart, you have to write a check, you can't easily find the bar code on your items, you are the person who was next to me in line at the bank, and you couldn't figure out the ATM - trust me, the self checkout will be slightly more complicated than the ATM. These people should feel free to move one line over to the manned express check out line, behind all those people trying to sneak 18-20 items into the 15 items or less line.

It goes without saying that those people who use the drive thrus at fast food restaurants should do so if they are truly getting a quick bite on the go. If you like me, you've got children in car seats and the thought of unbuckling them, walking in, ordering, carrying all that out with your children without getting sucked into the vortex of the indoor playground is pretty much mission impossible. If you are the person in front of me at the drive thru who is ordering 12 different meals for all your co-workers with special instructions, extra napkins, sauces, drinks with no ice and, oh yeah, then you've got to figure out what you want to eat - know that I may very well hit you with my car. I've got hungry kids in the back and my two kids meals and a vat of diet coke takes 15 seconds to order. GET OUT OF THE CAR AND GO INSIDE.
Your order is too complicated for the drive through.
Thank you, drive through.

Now, my favorite new express vestibule. The Automated Postage Machine (yes, another ATM) at the post office. LOVE THEM. I loathe long lines at the post office, especially when the person who finally greets me on the other side of the counter is not exactly thrilled with their job. There's a reason the phrase "going postal" exists people.
If this machine has intimidated you, don't let it. It's so easy. Get your envelope or package, slap it on the scale, enter the zip on the touch screen answer "no" to all the questions, unless of course, you are mailing hazardous materials and you would like delivery confirmation on that.
Scan your credit or debit card and BAM! Postage printed, no scary postal worker to not piss off. Beware the tentative screen toucher. Those people who look like they're afraid every time they touch the screen it may electrically shock them or they may somehow initiate WWIII by pushing the wrong button. Also, never, NEVER get behind someone with more than 3 items. They'll be there forever. And you will surely go postal.

What would be the greatest is if they had more drive thru windows for those of us who
(a) could really use them and (b) know HOW to use them.
Imagine a whole drive through shopping center. You get your kids in the car and go, your first stop might be to drop off/pick up your dry cleaning. Then you go over to a Starbucks and get a little caffeine injection before you head through the car wash and then it's off to the drive through at the grocery store, where the groceries you purchased earlier online are loaded into your car while you finish your latte. Hey, I know it sounds lazy, but it would save me a bunch of time and you wouldn't have to hear me tell my two year old to, "hold my hand, hold my HOLD MY HAND!" Crying, yelling, slobbering - and my son isn't too happy either.

I'll get my exercise some other time. Give me an express lane or some kind of automated vestibule any day. But don't you dare get in front of me if you can't roll with the express lane!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Screw Diet Red Bull, Give me a Donut!

People lie. Sometimes it’s an innocent white lie told to spare the feelings of another human being. Sometimes it’s a colossal fib that totally destroys someone’s life.
I am tired of reading about all these celebrities that lose their baby weight just by “running around after my little ones” or “breastfeeding” or my favorite “I’m just so busy being a new mom, I don’t have time to eat huge meals.”
Whatever. Liars.
I’ve had two, rather large babies. I gained 40+ pounds each time, once without trying to hard to manage my weight, once trying to keep it under control, to no avail.
I breast-fed both. I even went back to work full-time after I had my first; so nine weeks after she was born, I was back in the classroom. Basically on my feet all day, walking, stressing and one would think burning calories all day long. Not only did I have time for meals, I had to eat, I was STARVING at the end of the day.
Fast forward to baby number two. Now I am a stay at home mom, on my feet, “chasing after my little ones” and, shockingly enough, maintaining a weight about 12 pounds higher than I would like.
I just don’t get it. How do these women not eat? I see them in the magazines. Purse as big as a Volvo in one hand, Venti non-fat, no whip, double shot soy latte in the other. Or they go to a big premiere and eat one piece of sushi and have a diet Red Bull and vodka. All that caffeine and no food. - how does that work exactly?
This morning was a three cup of coffee day, minimum. I had started the dishwasher, fed the kids breakfast, cleaned those dishes, refereed the first of several conflicts of the day and had moved upstairs to begin the oh so fun task of putting laundry away. In the middle of sorting shirts and matching up socks, I found myself coming off my caffeine drip and suddenly feeling extremely hungry. How could this be? We just had breakfast two hours ago? Wait.
The KIDS ate two hours ago, I was too busy loading the dishwasher and feeding the dogs to eat my own breakfast. Unfortunately, no one told my blood sugar level that being busy is supposed to render you hunger-less and therefore cause you to skip meals and look like a postpartum Heidi Klum.
I hate that feeling. That shaky, I could eat an entire box of Entenmann’s donuts feeling. How do these women walk around all day and not feel like they are going to fall over any minute, fainting from hunger. WAIT A MINUTE! That’s why they carry those big bags!
It’s so they have something big and soft to fall on if they DO faint from hunger!
Well, if it’s a choice between having a constant headache and feeling faint or eating something that may or may not be on the Atkins list of foods that will send you straight to hell, I’m eating. I’m not saying that I will eat Entemann’s donuts everyday (but I WILL have one every once in awhile!) but I’d rather be fed and happy then starving and cranky! Maybe that’s why Naomi Campbell is always throwing her phone at her assistants… sister needs a DONUT!