You know you're in the Mother-Hood when...

You Know You're in the MotherHood When...

You've sniffed a spot on your shirt and been able to determine the origin of said spot with CSI efficiency.

You let someone see you basically naked because he said he was an anesthesiologist.

It's a good day if you actually had time to shower, without interruptions or an audience of any kind.

Your meal plan has consisted of eating whatever mac and cheese is left in the pot after you've served it to the kids.

A drawing of you with a head the size of a watermelon is the prettiest picture you've ever seen.

Everyone but you being asleep counts as "alone time."

You feel a sense of accomplishment if you read an entire article in People magazine in one sitting.

You can name 3 out of 5 Backyardigans - you know you can.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Screw Diet Red Bull, Give me a Donut!

People lie. Sometimes it’s an innocent white lie told to spare the feelings of another human being. Sometimes it’s a colossal fib that totally destroys someone’s life.
I am tired of reading about all these celebrities that lose their baby weight just by “running around after my little ones” or “breastfeeding” or my favorite “I’m just so busy being a new mom, I don’t have time to eat huge meals.”
Whatever. Liars.
I’ve had two, rather large babies. I gained 40+ pounds each time, once without trying to hard to manage my weight, once trying to keep it under control, to no avail.
I breast-fed both. I even went back to work full-time after I had my first; so nine weeks after she was born, I was back in the classroom. Basically on my feet all day, walking, stressing and one would think burning calories all day long. Not only did I have time for meals, I had to eat, I was STARVING at the end of the day.
Fast forward to baby number two. Now I am a stay at home mom, on my feet, “chasing after my little ones” and, shockingly enough, maintaining a weight about 12 pounds higher than I would like.
I just don’t get it. How do these women not eat? I see them in the magazines. Purse as big as a Volvo in one hand, Venti non-fat, no whip, double shot soy latte in the other. Or they go to a big premiere and eat one piece of sushi and have a diet Red Bull and vodka. All that caffeine and no food. - how does that work exactly?
This morning was a three cup of coffee day, minimum. I had started the dishwasher, fed the kids breakfast, cleaned those dishes, refereed the first of several conflicts of the day and had moved upstairs to begin the oh so fun task of putting laundry away. In the middle of sorting shirts and matching up socks, I found myself coming off my caffeine drip and suddenly feeling extremely hungry. How could this be? We just had breakfast two hours ago? Wait.
The KIDS ate two hours ago, I was too busy loading the dishwasher and feeding the dogs to eat my own breakfast. Unfortunately, no one told my blood sugar level that being busy is supposed to render you hunger-less and therefore cause you to skip meals and look like a postpartum Heidi Klum.
I hate that feeling. That shaky, I could eat an entire box of Entenmann’s donuts feeling. How do these women walk around all day and not feel like they are going to fall over any minute, fainting from hunger. WAIT A MINUTE! That’s why they carry those big bags!
It’s so they have something big and soft to fall on if they DO faint from hunger!
Well, if it’s a choice between having a constant headache and feeling faint or eating something that may or may not be on the Atkins list of foods that will send you straight to hell, I’m eating. I’m not saying that I will eat Entemann’s donuts everyday (but I WILL have one every once in awhile!) but I’d rather be fed and happy then starving and cranky! Maybe that’s why Naomi Campbell is always throwing her phone at her assistants… sister needs a DONUT!


Amy said...

Love it, Tiff! Once again, you've managed to look at the day to day happenings and turn them in to humor. Keep it up.

Jennifer Bohnart said...

absolutely!!!! you rock! love it! Josh's expression is someone needs a two are always on the same page. :) hugs!