You know you're in the Mother-Hood when...

You Know You're in the MotherHood When...

You've sniffed a spot on your shirt and been able to determine the origin of said spot with CSI efficiency.

You let someone see you basically naked because he said he was an anesthesiologist.

It's a good day if you actually had time to shower, without interruptions or an audience of any kind.

Your meal plan has consisted of eating whatever mac and cheese is left in the pot after you've served it to the kids.

A drawing of you with a head the size of a watermelon is the prettiest picture you've ever seen.

Everyone but you being asleep counts as "alone time."

You feel a sense of accomplishment if you read an entire article in People magazine in one sitting.

You can name 3 out of 5 Backyardigans - you know you can.

Monday, August 17, 2009

It Could Be Worse

You want to know why restaurants don't play the sound of a toddler crying nearly incoherently for a cookie as background music while you're eating? Because it's not fun to listen to a toddler crying nearly incoherently for a cookie while you're eating. Trust me, I tried it at lunch today. It will, however, force you to finish your food and clean up quickly, doing everything you can to avoid caving in and giving that baby a cookie.
Turns out, he was exhausted. As was I by the time he finally gave it up, succumbed to the drama and fell asleep; without lunch, but sleep trumps lunch when you can have a snack later.
It could be worse.

Every time I find myself thinking that the day is just not what I had planned it to be, that I was not going to have any chance of getting everything I wanted done; I begin to feel the slightest tug. After the seconds pass and I realize that tug is not the elastic giving out on my Victoria Secret's, I realize my memory is trying to recall something important, something buried deep in the folds of gray matter. Somewhere amidst my mother's secret for getting grout clean (no, REALLY clean), my childhood phone number and the name of the really good pedicure place is a fuzzy anecdote just waiting to be recalled. The little morsel of information that I seem to keep stored for days just like today, when the best laid plans get blown to smithereens.
As with most juicy morsels of information, this one came to me via the Oprah show. I was either very pregnant or I had just had a baby, which is where I lay the blame for my brain storing this info away. Those damn hormones are potent little suckers.
I don't remember the theme of the show that day, but I do remember seeing a woman who had contracted some horrible disease in the hospital after giving birth to her second child. In order to save her life, they had to amputate her legs. Now, I think I am remembering this correctly; remember I saw the show when I had serious baby brain. I just remember watching her do everyday tasks that I have on my list, but for her they were painstaking - for me, I dismissed them as pretty easy, just a pain. Watching that made me realize that I was (am) so lucky to be able bodied to brush my daughter's hair or even reach the counter tops to wipe them off.
As much as I occasionally (alright, frequently) loathe mundane household chores, I find myself remembering that woman, and marveling in how much she can get done, with much larger hurdles that I have.
It could be worse.

By some wonderful twist of fate, I have managed to dupe many people into not only becoming my friend, but due to my mediocre ability to crack an opportunistic joke, and that I often offer to drive when carpooling (and, I hope, a few other hidden talents) I have roped several of these poor souls into an ongoing friendship with yours truly.
My circle of friends is as diverse. But I can tell you without a doubt, I am not friends with many people who don't have a good sense of humor. This is for two very selfish reasons.
1. I have very little tolerance for those who take themselves too seriously.
2. I like when people laugh at my jokes.
See, I told you it was selfish. At least I'm honest!
I tell you this not purely to make you jealous of my fabulous friends (but you can be if you want to, they are pretty great) but I feel it necessary for you to know that the fabrics of my friendships are woven with some tough ass material.

Next time you don't feel up to a challenge, consider this.
Earlier this year, a friend of mine went to the doctor for what seemed like the millionth time for unexplained aches, pains, and minor illnesses he'd been plagued with for months. He left that doctor's office and was checked into the oncology floor of the hospital with bone cancer. In an instant, he went from thinking about deadlines at work and paying the cable bill to learning more than he ever wanted to know about cell counts, CAT scans, and how no matter how many doctors are on your team - none of them are as good looking as the cast of Grey's Anatomy.
It could be worse.

Next time your spouse does that thing you can't stand and you want just want to pull your hair out, consider this.
One of my girlfriends kissed her husband goodbye for work and the next conversation she had with him was in the ICU after his horrible motorcycle accident. Days later I talked to her, at his funeral. Two years later, she is raising their three beautiful children and showing me, and everyone who has the privilege of knowing her, that truly remarkable people are out there. Of course, she'd be the first one to tell you she's a wreck most of the time and politely deflects accolades bestowed upon her; but that's just another reason she is so remarkable.
So your husband left a water ring on the coffee table you just refinished.
It could be worse.

As your tiny world seems to be falling down around you, just take a moment to sit back and think about those people who have a virtual avalanche around them. Who aren't whining.
Laundry could be piling up, your AmEx bill could be twice as much as you thought it was, the dessert you try and make for the neighborhood potluck may be a total disaster. You might be bickering with your sister, disappointing your mother; hell, you could even be contemplating whether or not to get divorced...
It could be worse.

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