You know you're in the Mother-Hood when...

You Know You're in the MotherHood When...

You've sniffed a spot on your shirt and been able to determine the origin of said spot with CSI efficiency.

You let someone see you basically naked because he said he was an anesthesiologist.

It's a good day if you actually had time to shower, without interruptions or an audience of any kind.

Your meal plan has consisted of eating whatever mac and cheese is left in the pot after you've served it to the kids.

A drawing of you with a head the size of a watermelon is the prettiest picture you've ever seen.

Everyone but you being asleep counts as "alone time."

You feel a sense of accomplishment if you read an entire article in People magazine in one sitting.

You can name 3 out of 5 Backyardigans - you know you can.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

'Tis the Season

Okay. I am playing the no fair card. Seriously.
Go with me on this. To quote Elle Woods in Legally Blonde, "I have a point, I promise."
Big events seem to correspond with a "season."
For instance, hunting season. Mostly men partake of this yearly ritual of buying a bunch of crap that makes them feel like GI Joe or a pioneer or whatever. Then they layer on camoflague and hide out in the woods to shoot "wild animals" - or animals that are so used to seeing people that they aren't concerned enough to run away from the beer drinkers in the bushes.
They have boots, pants with a thousand pockets, vests, jackets, hats - they are covered from head to toe in gear. That's a manly thing to do. Or so I've been told.
Football season. It's fall, it's chilly, we layer our favorite team t-shirts and sweatshirts and hats while we eat chili dogs and nachos and drink beer. Then it gets really cold and we add the parkas and the team colored scarves and gloves, well, except for those crazy people that go shirtless with the team logo painted on their chest who get treated for hypothermia after the game.
The Holiday season. Festive sweaters, warm coats and eating, eating, eating.
Then a few weeks go by and what is it? "Swimsuit season." Really? A whole season?
People start talking about it right after the holidays, as if to tell you, "we know you just had a wonderful time celebrating with family, but the clock's running, you better put down the homemade cookies and pick up the celery stick, because in a few months, you'll be walking around basically naked."
Why do the "guy" seasons require layers and layers of clothing and "swimsuit" season is on us? You know why? Because guys can wear their trunks (for the love of God, don't wear anything speedo-ish) and get all tan and look good, well passable, even if they aren't exactly Matthew McConaughey.
Now, the women.
I am only talking about GROWN women. Not teenagers. They make their own fashion mistakes all the time and most of them are just starting to feel bad about their bodies (it's what women do, unfortunately) and these girls don't realize they look amazing. I don't remember wearing a two piece as a teenager, because I didn't think I could pull it off - if I had my teenage body now, I'd be wearing a two piece EVERYWHERE!
Now ladies, I am not judging (much) I am just observing. There are few things more entertaining than people watching. At the pool there is the added bonus of hiding behind your sunglasses so people can't tell you are judging, er, observing them.
I'd like to present the following as evidence, your honor.

The Granny-Jock
This is the "more mature" lady at the pool in the modest one piece, swim skirt optional, usually with a swim cap of some sort. She waits for that "adult swim" whistle and starts her laps while sneering at those kids who are taking their time getting out of the pool. She does not want to be splashed or bumped into with swim noodles while switching up her mall walking routine by hitting the pool. Hey, you gotta respect a woman at least twice your age who can kick your ass swimming laps.

The Gym Junkie
This is the woman who either doesn't have kids or her kids are old enough that she is able to live at the gym and visit home enough to eat her 1200 calories just in time to get her nails done after she goes tanning. Face it. Her body rocks. I want to cry plastic surgery, but basically she's just way more motivated then me. Or, her body issues are way worse than mine and she works out as much as I like to drink wine with friends.

The Anti-UV-er
Why does this person come to the pool? They have so much sunblock on, that they look like a film of Elmer's Glue has dried on their skin. Their sun hat could double as a helicopter landing pad and they are sitting in the shade. They read and sit and don't get in the water, because then they'd have to open up another tub of SPF 80 and reapply. I'm all for protecting your skin, but, unless you're playing a vampire in the next Twilight film, I say let a little light in!

The Paris Hilton bathing suit on the not-so-much Paris Hilton body
I am SO the first one to applaud women for being okay with their bodies. We all should take a page from those womens' books. I do have a problem with women who have what I like to call "Mariah Carey Syndrome." When women who are well over 35-40 shop in the Juniors department. The minis and the bejewled halters and everything else that screams "Forever 21" on a 40+ year old woman just looks wrong. There are too many options for women to look sexy and feel good about themselves to succumb to the Mariah Syndrome. Look at Demi Moore, Halle Berry, Julia Roberts - they are all gorgeous and I can't recall a tabloid that showed them wearing the same outfit at Mariah*, ever.

*I am sure Mariah is a very nice person. I'm sure her and her future daughters will love sharing each others' clothes - even when she is pushing 60.

The New Mom
She can be seen holding onto a baby floatie in the pool. Her child has three layers of sun block, a hat, and a floating fort with a visor - there's no sun in there, so that baby is probably getting a little chilly, actually. I think back to when my kids were that little and remember how fun it was to just watch them discover the water. I didn't feel that great in my bathing suit (wait, I still don't) so I totally know how she feels. Until she gets out of the pool to reveal she's one of those alien freaks who had a baby recently and has no stretch marks, no muffin top - no nothing! Damn her. Her post-baby bod is kind of making me want to eat my Pringles right in front of her.

Then of course, you have the moms who are totally comfortable with their bodies. They may not be in perfect shape, but they are rockin' the cute suits. I always want to ask them where they find those suits. And then ask them where they find the confidence to strut their stuff. Never had it. Not even when I should've had it. What a cruel joke that is!
So I sit in my suit that doesn't totally suck and think about the fact that as I look around, envious of many of the bodies around me - someone else is looking around the pool from behind their sunglasses, their eyes pause on me for a moment, and they are jealous of what I have...

1 comment:

Jennifer Bohnart said...

you so know how to sum up our world! I had a big smile on the whole time I read it! love you! wish you were closer and we could hang out with snacks and drinks at the pool while our kids go WILD!