You know you're in the Mother-Hood when...

You Know You're in the MotherHood When...

You've sniffed a spot on your shirt and been able to determine the origin of said spot with CSI efficiency.

You let someone see you basically naked because he said he was an anesthesiologist.

It's a good day if you actually had time to shower, without interruptions or an audience of any kind.

Your meal plan has consisted of eating whatever mac and cheese is left in the pot after you've served it to the kids.

A drawing of you with a head the size of a watermelon is the prettiest picture you've ever seen.

Everyone but you being asleep counts as "alone time."

You feel a sense of accomplishment if you read an entire article in People magazine in one sitting.

You can name 3 out of 5 Backyardigans - you know you can.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Calgon, Shmalgon

Remember those old Calgon commercials - "Calgon, take me away?"
I think the truth is, we don't want to be taken away, we want to hang out in our house, watch what we want, eat something that WE like and have everyone ELSE taken away, if only for a little while.
Hot stone massage, Shiatsu massage, seaweed wrap, ancient dinosaur mud mask, exfolliation... who has time for all that stuff? All it does it make you realize you'll only feel that relaxed for as long as your car ride home takes, while you're simultaneously calculating the cost of the sitter.
Let's face it, spa treatments are great, but it's not what we REALLY want.

I give you, The Mom Spa Day.

A stealth-like team of experts arrives at your door to give you what you really desire.
First, babysitters so your kids are entertained/worn out all under the watchful eyes of capable teenagers who don't care how late you are because they can sleep as late as they want the next day. Try not to be bitter - they'll get theirs eventually.

Second, a pack of sturdy women who remind you of Alice from the Brady Bunch descend upon your house wielding toilet brushes and spray bottles to make your house so clean and tidy, it looks like you don't even have kids - forget coordinating place mats, you could EAT off your kitchen floor! (and not just because of the "Five Second Rule.")

Almost instantly, you feel like Sleeping Beauty surrounded by your Fairy Godmothers who have fluffed and folded until every bedroom has clean sheets, all the laundry is put away and there's even a neat little stack of things to be donated that are two sizes too small that you haven't had time to pull out of drawers.

Meanwhile, a very Rachel Ray-ish type wonder is not only cooking dinner for you that night, but preparing several freezable meals to pull out when you are in a bind while simultaneously reorganizing and restocking your pantry and refrigerator.

Of course, you are oblivious to all this, as you are napping on the sun drenched deck with a cold drink perched next to your fruit and cheese tray.

We don't need a break from reality, we need our reality to give us a break!

So no, your children may not appreciate that you tried a new recipe and your idea of a pedicure may be to paint over your existing chipped toe nail polish, but as long as you take the time to do something for yourself every once in a while - you may actually capture that Calgon feeling of rejuvenation and relaxation.
That is until your kids start banging on the bathroom door because their arguing over who got more snack and the dog just pulled the meat you were defrosting off the counter so your husband is now meeting you at McDonalds for dinner!

May I suggest that you have your husband drive the kids home, so you get that ten minute car ride to yourself? That plus those fries may be just enough to recharge your maternal batteries to face another day.


Jennifer Bohnart said...


jmross said...

So true, often I begged for a day when my mother in law takes the kids to her house and I am left alone to watch Lifetime Movie Network all afternoon instead of Yo Gabba Gabba or Pokemon. You are such a great writer, just bookmarked you blog and look forward to more.